http://whatever.stef*

Questioning it. Everything.

2009-10-10T04:27:00.001+03:00

Is something that we probably don't do anymore. We grow up with it, we learn it, we become part of it, we like it, we love it, we feel ease and comfort in it. I don't know how to call it. I'm too young to know names. I just have pieces of the puzzle in my mind. The whole picture is still vague, but it becomes clearer and clearer every day. We become stupid. Passive. And happy.

I observe the world evolving around me. It is full of contrast. The beauty and the beast. I cannot distinguish yet who is the real beauty and who is the real beast. One thing comes and another goes, and I am there in the middle watching it happen. I want to reach my arms, grab them and spin them around. Reverse the whole process. Go backwards. Slow down the world and move faster myself.

I can feel people trying to get into the box of maturity. What is maturity? Does it mean to wear a suit, a white shirt and a tie? Does it mean handshake and smile? Does it mean family, big house, garden, a dog and loads of money? Does it mean to make choice based on what the world wants? Call me immature then. It's not that I will never do any of them. I already do. I can wear that suit with the white shirt and the tie, but I will never let it wear me.

In the end of the day I look back and I see that nobody really cares. We all live in the bubble of happiness, trying to avoid everything that irritates us for the 70 or 80 years of our lives. We never think about our children though. Do we want them to suffer from what we ignored? Do we want them to do the same? Are we moving forward like this?

The professor is right. It is always about the next quarter. We're too blind too see what is after that. Apart from a few of us. Those who thrive. Those who write history. What if they had compromised? What if they went with the masses? What if they considered themselves crazy and stopped "daydreaming" about something that years later has changed world? What about the people that considered them to be crazy back then? Are they still alive to feel ashamed? Are they still alive to see that people like them hold humanity back?

The world map is full of crazy heartbeats. The next crazy ones. The people that are around us. Sometimes I wonder who they might be. I don't know. Who knows? Maybe a good start to identify some of them is to start looking for those who seem crazy enough. Insane. Unconventional. Those who we don't like, because they don't play the game with our standards. I dedicate this note to them. Good luck in making life a better place.

Chapters of loneliness and depression

2009-08-30T05:17:00.003+03:00

Introduction
It has been quite a while since the last time I wrote. I don't know why. I cannot say I didn't have strong emotions, but I was afraid to express myself. I am afraid that if I see my thought written down, I will realize even more what is happening. I want to write something. I don't know what. I don't know how. I will just follow the order of the words coming to my mind, hoping it will end up somewhere.

Chapter 1: Isolation
I thought I had seen enough. Now I cannot define "enough". I thought I had felt enough, but still this seems pointless. No matter what happens around me, I feel nothing. Depression, loneliness and isolation. From the world. From life. I feel powerless. I feel shy. I feel afraid. I can barely feel. My eyes see, my ears hear, my body feels, my mouth speaks but my heart doesn't respond. Today I thought I had a panic attack. Maybe I had. I started doing random things that I wouldn't do otherwise. I felt bad, sad, ashamed. I felt something for a while. Now this is gone again. I don't know what to do. I feel powerless, and I am afraid that I might actually be.

Chapter 2: Me against it
I am trying hard to fool myself. I am trying to create a fake picture of happiness and put myself in it. That's depressing. Some people probably never had the need to do something like that. That's depressing too. I accept the reality, but I don't like it. And I try to fool it. To screw it over. I don't think I can though. It's now because I feel powerless. It's because reality is powerful. I might be able to fool it just for a while, but then it comes back. Even more powerful than before. Reality can feel much more than I do. Reality can be evil. Or it can be so damn nice, that I still think it's one of it's jokes. After so many years I keep wondering about it.

Chapter 3: Hidden faces
I remember, and that is the only truth. I remember myself crying, laughing, being happy as hell or sad as heaven. I am sure that one day I will look back and remember the words that I am typing right now. But what of all these is reality and what is not? How can I learn? Do I have to wait until my very last breath? These thoughts. The panic they cause. The panic they cause today. I hate it. Or love it. I wish I could see the truth. I wish I could hear a bell of truth notifying me about every lie. I wish I could see through the eyes of others and discover their deepest thoughts. If I could do that I wouldn't be me though. And this is even more terrifying. The truth could be terrifying. Do I really have the strength to discover all the lies of a lifetime? And what if truth hurts even more?

Chapter 4: The way to the bottom
I am alone. I can scream with all my strength, and I will still be unheard. I haven't felt like that for a very long time. I can't understand if I'm getting stronger or if I'm just falling apart. I am afraid to understand. What if the truth lies in the second one.?What if this is what I have to face? I want to believe. I am trying to believe. I can't though. I don't know what to believe in anymore. Words seem pointless. And actions seem discouraging. Once again, I am trying to fool myself. This is the deepest cause of writing this. To take my mind of something, and put it in this screen. In letters, words, sentences and paragraphs. In random chapters of disappointment. Of pain. Of sorrow. I thought I was doing something good.

Chapter 5: The beginning
Once upon a time, there was a boy with dreams about his life. He had those shiny eyes that promise a shiny future. The biggest smile of the world, the body of a giant and the heart of a prince. Even though he could, he wouldn't harm anyone or anything. Deep inside this boy is always there. And will always be, for those who are afraid it might not.

An inspiring video :-)

2009-05-12T03:54:00.004+03:00

This is a video that has inspired me a lot lately... I hope you feel the same :-)

It is from a digital design competition, under the topic "What matters to me".

Ένα ταξίδι στο παρελθόν

2009-04-16T04:12:00.009+03:00

Ήταν αυτό που με έκανε να σκεφτώ τα όσα μου συμβαίνουν τον τελευταίο καιρό. Και τα κατάφερε πολύ καλά.

Κοιτώντας πίσω στο παρελθόν από το "τώρα"...Είναι ίσως το πιο τρομακτικό πράγμα που αντιμετώπισα αυτές τις μέρες. Και αυτό τόσο απλά. Απλά συναντήθηκα με ένα μεγάλο κομμάτι του απόψε, και μπορώ να πω ότι χαίρομαι πολύ για αυτό.

Μπήκα στη διαδικασία να δω ποιός ήμουν, και πως εξελίχθηκα σε αυτό που είμαι σήμερα. Είδα όλες τις στιγμές που πέρασα. Τις καλές και τις κακές. Τα γέλια στο σχολείο, τις πλάκες στους καθηγητές, τα "γκομενίσματα" στο προαύλιο, το κρυφτούλι για να καπνίσουμε μη μας πάρει κανένα μάτι, τις ερωτικές απογοητεύσεις, τα κλάμματα στους ώμους φίλων, τα ξενύχτια με τη βαρύτερη καρδιά του κόσμου και την ανάρρωση από όλα αυτά.

Είδα ποια ήταν τα σημαντικά γεγονότα του τότε, που σήμερα μοιάζουν σαν μικρές στάσεις σε όλο μου το ταξίδι μέχρι εδώ. Στάσεις λεπτών ή και δευτερολέπτων, που τότε όμως δεν μπορούσα να το καταλάβω. Πίκρες και χαρές που ένιωθα ότι θα κρατήσουν αιώνια, αλλά πλέον φαίνονται σαν να κράτησαν μόνο για μια στιγμή.

Συνειδητοποίησα ότι κάνω το ίδιο ταξίδι στη ζωή μου ξανά και ξανά, κάθε φορά με νέους ανθρώπους, με νέα αντιμετώπιση και άγνωστες προοπτικές. Και όμως, κάθε φορά περνάω από τους ίδιους σταθμούς. Χωρίς καμμία αλλαγή.

Αυτή η σύντομη αναδρομή με έκανε να αναθεωρήσω τη σημασία κάποιων πραγμάτων που ζω σήμερα. Είδα τα δευτερόλεπτα του παρελθόντος να μου φαίνονται και πάλι αιώνες, και είχα ξεχάσει πως ήταν. Σήμερα θυμήθηκα. Σ'ευχαριστώ.

Έμαθα πως όλα αυτά έχουν σημασία. Όποιος λέει να ξεχνάμε το παρελθόν μας κάνει λάθος. Ακόμα και όταν αυτό πονάει και είναι άσχημο, έχει κάτι να μας δώσει. Πρέπει να το κοιτάμε κατάματα, και να ακούμε αυτά που έχει να μας πεί. Γιατί το ταξίδι θα είναι το ίδιο. Άλλοι χαρακτήρες, αλλά η ίδια πλοκή. Αν την θυμόμαστε καλά, ίσως να μπορούμε να την αντιμετωπίσουμε καλύτερα.

Εύχομαι να μην ξαναξεχάσω ποτέ. Ποτέ όμως.

Και σε όλους αυτούς που γνώρισα και με μάθανε κάτι, είτε με το καλό είτε με το κακό, αλήθεια σας χρωστώ πολλά. :-)

Καλημέρα.

What matters to me...

2009-03-26T04:43:00.003+02:00

Showing care, loving and being loved with no limits, no suspicious thoughts and no selfishness at all.

Being able to express yourself freely, without being afraid that you may get misunderstood.

Being able to be yourself, and to be loved for what you really are, and not for what the world wants you to be.

Being able to say "I love you", "I care about you", "I'm in love with you" or "You're very important for me" without being afraid that you might regret it.

Being able to dress however you like, listen to the music you like, cut your hair the way you like without being criticized or labeled.

Being free to say "fuck off" to those who deserve it without being afraid to do it.

Getting equal treatment like anyone else despite your sexual preferences, your skin color, your religion or anything else.

Being able to look at the mirror and be proud for what you see.

Being able to look back and be proud for what you did in your life, knowing that you contributed something to this stupid world, even something small, but still something.

Waking up every day and feeling happy that you have a whole day in front of you, and the advantage to enjoy every single minute of it no matter what.

Living without stereotypes of ANY kind. With no needs to be cool, acceptable, popular, handsome, role-model etc.

Being able to answer "Yes" to the question "Are you really happy?".

A poem to the unknown.

2009-03-12T02:02:00.005+02:00

I found out that memories have made me what I am. Without them I am just blank. Some people advised to forget and put bad memories aside. If I keep only good memories, then I'll be half of me. Whatever bad can happens, will just be another bad memory, and another piece of myself. Memories are welcome.

That's why I dedicate this poem to memories.

I found out that emotions have made me what I am. Some people told me to avoid bad emotions. Some people told me to think only of good things and ignore bad things. I don't believe that. We should encourage emotions. Make them as intense as possible. They make us creative, they make us human beings. Emotions are welcome.

That's why I dedicate this poem to emotions.

I found out that my thoughts have made me who I am. Some people told me to be spontaneous, to be myself, to be free. Free doesn't mean not to think. People told me that I think too much, and sometimes even about unimportant stuff. There is no such thing as unimportant stuff. Thinking makes you smart and makes you wise. It is what creates opinions. Thoughts are welcome.

That's why I dedicate this poem to thoughts.

I found out that people have made me who I am. Some people told me that I don't need to listen to everyone. I like to listen to everyone. I believe that I can learn something from every single person I meet. Something big, something small. I like some of these things, and I make that parts of me. I learned mistakes without even doing them. If it weren't for those people, I would have never learned so much. Everyone is welcome.

That's why I dedicate this poem to you.

This poem was never a poem. It was more like a random set of expression. :-)

Οκ, ναι, για άλλη μια φορα...

2009-01-27T01:24:00.002+02:00

Ε ναι λοιπόν! Για άλλη μια φορά θέλω να εκφράσω τους προβληματισμούς μου και τις σκέψεις μου. Κακό είναι δηλαδή; Αφού για αυτό φτιάχτηκε αυτό το blog στην τελική.

Σήμερα που λέτε είναι άλλη μια νύχτα που το μάτι είναι ορθάνοιχτο και το μυαλό κορεσμένο από σκέψεις. Και ποιό το θέμα; Το γνωστό... Ακυροσύνη.

Σκέφτομαι ακόμα και τώρα πόσο θα ήθελα να πω ένα αντε γειά σε όλους αυτούς που με απασχολούν και με πειράζουν. Κοντινούς και μακρινούς, φίλους και γνωστούς, μισητούς και εχθρούς. Δεν ξέρω πραγματικά που με βγάζει αυτή η καθημερινότητα και που θα καταλήξει. Γιατί να μην μπορώ να πω τα πράγματα ως έχουν. Γιατί να μην μπορώ να κοιτάξω ευθέως τον άλλο και να του πώ σ'αγαπώ ή σε μισώ.

Ξέρετε γιατί. Γιατί έτσι είναι. Γιατί αν ήταν εύκολο δεν θα'χε πλάκα. Γιατί πρέπει να πονάς και να ζορίζεσαι για να θυμάσαι. Τα εύκολα τα ξεχνάμε, τα δύσκολα τα θυμόμαστε. Το ανόητο ανθρώπινο μυαλό. Και το πιο ανόητο από όλα, το δικό μου.

Άντε στο διάολο.

Viva la revolucion! (και καλά)

2008-12-17T05:20:00.004+02:00

Είχα μια ωραία ιδέα απόψε.

Είπα να κάνω επανάσταση. Ξέρω ακριβώς τι χρειάζεται. Βέβαια δεν ξέρω το "γιατί", αλλα ποιός νοιάζεται. Δεν έχει σημασία άλλωστε πλέον. Όλοι το κάνουν. Λες και αυτοί ξέρουν γιατί. Γιατί να μην το κάνω και εγώ δηλαδή;

Επαναστάτης. Ας ξεκινήσουμε λοιπόν από τα βασικά. Την ουσία ενός επαναστάτη. Αρχικά, πρέπει να κουρευτώ περίεργα. Ναι, ναι, αυτό είναι. Ένα περίεργο κούρεμα. Να μην μοιάζει με αυτό το συμβατικό των περισσότερων ανθρώπων. Βέβαια, υπάρχουν ένα μάτσο άλλοι με περίεργα κουρέματα, αλλά με αυτούς δεν με πειράζει να μοιάζω, γιατί αυτοί είναι επαναστάτες. Μετά πρέπει να ντυθώ και κάπως περίεργα, για να μην φαίνεται το κούρεμα μου αταίριαστο με το υπόλοιπο σύνολο. Να φαίνομαι σαν ένας αληθινός επαναστάτης, με ιδέες και ιδανικά! Όχι πως δεν είμαι δηλαδή, απλά αυτά τα βρίσκουμε και στην πορεία. Δευτερεύοντα πράγματα. Τέλος, πρέπει να αγοράσω ένα καλό ζευγάρι επαναστατικά παπούτσια. Όχι σαν αυτά τα φλώρικα που φοράνε οι "τρέντουλες". Βέβαια τα επαναστατικά μου παπούτσια κοστίζουν λίγο πιο ακριβά από τα δικά τους, αλλά δεν έχει σημασία, γιατί είναι επαναστατικά, και αυτά είναι που θα με κάνουν να φαίνομαι αληθινός. Άλλωστε τα φοράνε όλοι οι επαναστάτες φίλοι μου. :-)

Κάποιος μου είπε βέβαια ότι οι πραγματικοί επαναστάτες είναι αυτοί που έχουν όνειρα. Όνειρα για ένα καλύτερο κόσμο, ιδέες για να αντιμετωπίσουν τα προβλήματα του, ιδανικά για να μπορούμε να συμβιώνουμε με τους συνανθρώπους μας. Ιδανικά για πίστη, δικαιοσύνη, αγάπη, ίσα δικαιώματα, χωρίς προκαταλήψεις και στερεότυπα. Ε να σας πω κάτι; Βλακείες. Αυτοί οι άνθρωποι δεν ξέρουν τι λένε. Εγώ δεν έχω και πολλά από αυτά, αλλά σημασία έχει να φαίνομαι σαν να έχω. Και στην τελική, όσοι τα έχουν αλλά δεν μοιάζουν με επαναστάτες κανείς δεν τους παίρνει στα σοβαρά. Άρα... μισές δουλειές. Τι να το κάνω; Καλύτερα να φαίνομαι παρά να είμαι. Έτσι θα γίνω αποδεκτός και στην παρέα τους, και στην τελική μπορεί να μάθω και κάτι.

Αφού βγάζει νόημα. Η μαμά κοινωνία μου έμαθε πως αν θέλω να κάνω κάτι θα πρέπει να δείχνω διαφορετικός. Θα πρέπει να μην μοιάζω με αυτούς που τα δέχονται όλα. Δεν μου έμαθε όμως πως πρέπει να σκέφτομαι κιόλας. Και δεν θέλω να σκέφτομαι να σας πω την αλήθεια, γιατί είναι κουραστικό και με κάνει να στεναχωριέμαι. Αφού εμένα όλα καλά μου φαίνονται. Ό,τι θέλω, το έχω. Γιατί να τρέχω πίσω από αλλαγές. Και αν μετά χάσω τα δικά μου; Άπαπα... Μου φτάνει να υποκρίνομαι πως καταλαβαίνω και πως νοιάζομαι.

Έτσι είναι φίλοι μου. Σας το λέω. Όλα έτσι λειτουργούν σήμερα, και αν αδιαφορήσετε τότε θα βρεθείτε εκτός παιχνιδιού. Μην σκέφτεστε, δεν έχει σημασία τι είστε. Απλά προσέξτε πως θα φαίνεστε. Κάνω λάθος;

What is Life?

2008-11-23T04:06:00.009+02:00

I promised I would be back soon! Haha!

Ok, this time the major question is...(I hope you're ready, it's a deep deep one)...

What is Life?

I keep wondering about this for a looooong time now, but I still haven't managed to get a complete answer. I am happy to say though, that through the people I meet and my personal experiences, I keep getting pieces of the puzzle that start forming the bigger picture.

So, is life all about what we know? Is it all about having a kick ass job, with a payment higher that the empire state building and a luxurious life that everybody else is jealous of? Is it about getting married, having children and growing old all happy and confident that you feel complete now that the family name will move on? Is it about partying 24/7 doing crazy stuff and having sex with random people that you will never see again? Maybe it is about doing something good for the society and brighten other people's lives... No?

The outcome of what I've learned so far is that there's no certain answer to this question. For each one of us the answer is different. Of course there are some basic stuff that we all want or need. We all need people around us. A home maybe. Health over all. But the rest... It depends. Some people want risk, adventure, quest, while some others just need stability and safety. Can you call one of them crazy? Maybe, if you belong to the other side :-P. But seriously, not. That's life. The most supercomplicated thing along with love, and it is meant to be like that. Different.

I'm gonna tell you a short story. My housemate Karl in Malta asked me in one of our deep discussions a questions. Really simple, but really deep. Four words. "Are you really happy?". I answered "yes" spontaneously, but I didn't know why. Then I thought of it, and I told him "I'll give you three reasons. 1) I have all the parts of my body and I'm healthy. 2) I have a family that I love and that loves me. 3) I have a purpose". And it's true, even taking the first two for granted (which are not for many people, believe me), I still have a purpose. A dream to move towards to, something that drives all my efforts to something. Something I want to do for society. Small but still something. A heritage that will make a minor impact, but still an impact :-)

That is life for me. Purpose. Aiming towards something, and when you reach it, just aim for something bigger. And if it's not the whole, at least it's part of it. I'm sure I still have a lot to discover...

I know, it sounds like a game. But for me, games are also part of it. Life makes up a lot of games to keep us occupied. And if you think of it, we should be grateful for it. How would life be without them? It would be so interesting I think. Maybe boring.

Something else I noticed lately... I keep complaining sometimes for all the trouble I have with several stuff. Well lately I discovered that most of the times I create the trouble for a reason. I know! It sounds stupid, but it's true! When I look back, at the source of it, I am jumping into stuff that I am not sure I can handle, just to cause trouble to my every day life and make it interesting! Of course I'm not doing this with everything, don't get me wrong :-P

Anyway, that was it! Totally spontaneous, and god, such a big post again. Sorry :-S

All that is left to say now is...

ENJOY LIFE! :-)

A random update :-)

2008-11-23T03:53:00.004+02:00

Yeah yeah I know!

I haven't written anything for quite some time, and during this time a bunch of things have happened! I went to Malta, came back, I'm back to university after 2 years etc etc etc...

I know, I should probably have mentioned something about how I feel for all of these, but I wanted to remind you (if there's any of you :-P) that this blog is to express random thoughts and not like a diary, so that's why I didn't :-)

Just for the sake of it, I will just mention a few headlines of those stuff hehehe...

Ok, Malta was great, my experience was amazing and I totally feel more grown up after it. It is not easy, but I completely recommend it. For those who think about living and working to another country for some time, JUST DO IT! (I'm not getting any credit from Nike for the slogan :-P). I made dozens of friends, had quite some challenges and a lot of fun! The overall experience was just AMAZING!

As for being back to the university, I feel really proud. Seriously. Not proud for being back, no. Proud cause I know now that I didn't invest (and I continue investing) those three years for nothing. Everything makes much more sense than before, and I can really understand now where each one of all the things we learn fits in this world (especially business). I am also happy, cause I know that for each class I attend, I am one tiny tiny step closer to my dream (which I know for sure now). Just tiny steps, but still steps :-)

That's all folks!
I'm coming soon with a super random post probably. Or a deep one... Who knows? :-)

Stef*

Another amazing video for those who love the world! (literally)

2008-09-02T01:59:00.004+03:00

Check this out!
I am soooo jealous of this guy! DAMN! But, really, it's amazing!

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Another night of wondering...

2008-08-26T01:49:00.003+03:00

Random paragraph No. 1: Another night of writing cause of the deep thoughts haunting my head. Another night that everything seems to be set to make me blow up my mind. But now in a good way. Painful, but pleasant thoughts. Still causing confusion though...

Random paragraph No. 2: I really don't know what to think of first tonight. I had a great day, but I caught myself trying to step back many many times. I didn't have a reason to do it. It was mostly instinct. Instinct that was holding me back of doing something that was feeling right. Sounds f***ed up, right? Imagine it. Or try to... I wouldn't have managed if you had asked me to do it. Anyway, I am again at a crossroad. One of them that makes it hard to choose.

Random paragraph No. 3: It is also the first time that I can't think of an end for this post. I am just writing randomly, hoping to reveal something that may help. I can't see light in the end of the tunnel, though. Not really. Seems pointless, but at the same time relieving. So may be I should go on. Who reads this blog anyway? It's completely personal. It's only for me to write what I think, and then go to sleep happy, having left all my thought here. Many people use some kind of method to do that. I use blog. Cool, isn't it?

Random paragraph No. 4: Did you get bored already? Well, why do I ask? I don't care. But everybody does it. Many people ask others questions, without caring to listen. It's of the unwritten laws of human relations. Questions show care. Care brings people closer. It makes them open up. The feel important. The pay care back, asking questions again. Then relationship is built. Then one of the people follows his own will and destroys the relation. It's to simple to be exactly like that, but I guess it must be quite similar.

Random paragraph No. 5: I forgot why I wanted to write tonight. Blog did a good job. Thank you blog. I love you :-) I am going to sleep. Good night!

A great advertisment! Supercreative...

2008-08-22T21:32:00.008+03:00

This is one of my favorite advertisements! It's really magical. It totally worths to spend 1 minute and a half that lasts to see it...So don't think of it... Just click "play" :-)

Έτσι για να περνάει η ώρα :-)

2008-07-23T23:14:00.005+03:00

Ναι, ναι, και για αυτό το λόγο γράφω σήμερα. Έτσι απλά για να περνάει η ώρα.

Και γιατί να έχω λόγο παρακαλώ; Είναι Τετάρτη βράδυ κατακαλόκαιρο (μέσα Ιουλίου - σχεδόν τέλη), ο κόσμος ταξιδεύει στα γύρω νησιά ή καλομεθάει στα μπαράκια της Αθήνας (όσοι είναι εδώ), και εγώ είμαι σπίτι, καίγομαι στην τηλεόραση και πάλι αναλύω το κάθετι που βλέπω, παρατηρώ και μου συμβαίνει χωρίς ιδαίτερο νόημα. Δεν είναι αυτός λόγος για να γράψω; Ε;
Εμένα καλός μου φαίνεται...

Ας αρχίσω λοιπόν με τις εσωτερικές σκέψεις που μπορώ ακόμα να θυμηθώ:

Νο 1. Έβλεπα την ταινία "Τανγκό για τρείς". Παρατήρησα το εξής, το οποίο το έχω ξαναπαρατηρήσει αλλά η ταινία με έκανε να το ξανασκεφτώ. Με χαρά συνειδητοποιώ (αν γράφεται έτσι), ότι όσο προχωράει ο καιρός μπαίνουμε στην εποχή των θετικών προκαταλήψεων. Τι εννοώ με αυτό. Πλέον είναι της μόδας να είσαι ομοφυλόφυλος ή αμφιφυλόφιλος. Και όχι μόνο είναι της μόδας, αλλά προβάλεται και υποστηρίζεται κιόλας. Καθόλου κακό αν με ρωτάτε, και ακόμα έχουμε δρόμο. Άντε να καταλάβουμε πως ο καθένας κάνει ότι θέλει στο κρεβάτι του ή όπου αλλού του αρέσει να το κάνει.

Νο 2. Έχω βαρεθεί να βλέπω ταινίες που ο κάθε πικραμένος βρίσκει την αληθινή αγάπη. Έλεος πια, όλα σου πάνε σκατά και μια μέρα αφού έχει χτυπήσει και τα δυο σου πόδια, έχεις φάει μια μπαλιά κατακέφαλα, έχεις πατήσει λάσπες και σκατά, έχει ξεράσει 25 φορές, σε έχει πιάσει το κόψιμο του αιώνα και σαν να μην έφταναν όλα αυτά σε απολύουν και σε χωρίζει και η πρώην σου, και εκεί ξαφνικά ο έρωτας της ζωής σου εμφανίζεται ντυμένη στα άσπρα με μορφή αγγέλου. Αφού σου λέει το όνομα της περνάτε την πιο ονειρεμένη μέρα του κόσμου μαζί, ζώντας όπως ποτέ, κάνοντας πράγματα που δεν είχες σκεφτεί καν να κάνεις, και μετά την σκέφτεσαι για 32 μερόνυχτα ώσπου εκείνη σου χτυπάει την πόρτα να σου πεί ότι χώρισε με εκείνον που ήταν έτοιμη να παντρευτεί (συγγνώμη ξέχασα να αναφέρω πως είναι αραβωνιασμένη και στην προετοιμασία του γάμου), για να σου πει πως είναι τρελά ερωτευμένη μαζί σου και θέλει να περάσετε μια ζωή μαζί, αρκεί να έχει εκείνη την αριστερή πλευρά του κρεβατιού (το χιουμοράκι που πάντα παίζει). Τέλος, παρατάς την δουλεία σου και την καριέρα σου, απαρνιέσαι το σπιτικό σου και πάτε να ζήσετε μαζί κάπου στο ταμ-τουμ ευτυχισμένοι, χωρίς περιττά πράγματα, όπως χρήματα, σπίτι ή νερό. ΕΛΕΟΣ!
Αν υπάρχει ένας έστω άνθρωπος που του έχει συμβεί μισή φορά αυτό ας μου το πεί, και υπόσχομαι θα τρέχω γυμνός για μια ολόκληρη μέρα στην Ερμού μέχρι να με συλλάβουν και να με πλακώσουν στο ξύλο.

Νο 3. Λίγο πιο σοβαρό, προήλθε από συνειρμούς από την ταινία. Συνειδητοποίησα σήμερα ότι μπορεί να έχω χάσει κάποιον από τους ανθρώπους που αγάπησα πολύ. Δεν ξέρω γιατί, είναι απλά συναισθήματα που έρχονται και φέυγουν. Κάτι σαν μια μαντική ικανότητα, ένα λάθος προαίσθημα που πολλές φορές βγαίνει αληθινό. Δεν ξέρω αν ισχύει, ούτε ξέρω αν θα το μάθω ποτέ. Όπως και να έχει, αυτό που σκεφτόμουν είναι πως πολλές φορές είμαστε άδικοι με τους άλλους, και αυτό το πληρώνουμε κάποια στιγμή. Και αυτή η στιγμή πάντα έρχεται. Κάποιες φορές οι άλλοι είναι άδικοι μαζί μας, αλλά ότι και να κάνουμε δεν μπορούμε να τους μεταπείσουμε. Ούτε και αυτό μπορεί να αλλάξει. Αντίστοιχα όμως, και αυτό να το ξέρετε, το λέω από προσωπική εμπειρία, έρχεται κάποια στιγμή που και αυτοί καταλαβαίνουν το λάθος τους και μετανοιώνουν...
Άλλες φορές πάλι, θέλουμε κάποιους ανθρώπους να μας "ανήκουν". Να είναι εκεί για εμάς, όποτε και για οποιοδήποτε λόγο τους χρειαστούμε. Λυπαμαι που το λέω, αλλά ούτε αυτό γίνεται. Και αυτό δεν γίνεται για πολλούς λόγους. Είτε γιατί έρχεται πάντα κάποια στιγμή που οι δρόμοι χωρίζουν, είτε γιατί οι άνθρωποι είναι φτιαγμένοι έτσι ώστε να ακολουθούν την καρδιά τους, και πολλές φορές οι καρδιές δεν συμβαδίζουν.
Και ξέρετε ποιο είναι το χειρότερο; Αν οι άλλοι καταλάβουν ότι νοιώθουμε έτσι για αυτούς "κλωτσάνε". Κανενός δεν του αρέσει να νοιώθει ότι ο άλλος τον βλέπει σαν "κτήμα". Ακόμα και αν αυτό συμβαίνει με τις καλύτερες προθέσεις. Ούτε σε εμένα αρέσει, ασχέτου αν το έχω κάνει σε άλλους. Και αν έχετε ακούσει ιστορίες, ξέρετε πως αυτά κάποιες φορές καταλήγουν άσχημα...

Νομίζω πως δεν θυμάμαι άλλα :-(

Αλλά και να θυμόμου μήπως έχει σημασία; Για να περάσει η ώρα έγραψα, και μια χαρά πέρασε :-)

Αυτά λοιπόν, και σας εύχομαι καλούς προβληματισμούς...

AIESEC, between the lines.

2008-06-21T04:25:00.011+03:00

AIESEC. A lot of you already know about the organization. I would make a short introduction for those of you who don't know, but I don't thing it's the proper place. Instead of that you can visit www.aiesec.org and find out a lot about AIESEC. Everything you need to know about it. And don't forget to read the amazing stories of AIESECers! Experiences that you might envy, believe me. Anyway, the reason I didn't make the short introduction here is because here I want to say a few things about AIESEC "between the lines". So here I go :-) ...

AIESEC is a village. A small village habitated by global villagers. Actually it is more of a virtual village, with smallest sub groups (or sub-villages) living in it all together, physically. The habitats of this village are about 28.000 in numbers, all aged from 18 to 28-29 approximately. Sounds a lot for a village, but if you thing that they are actually allocated around the world it's not that much.

In this village called AIESEC, things are pretty much that any other village. You live with those you look more alike, but now and then you meet with other subgroups of the village and connect with them. Most of the times for functional reasons. A village needs all its habitats to contribute to its functions. There is always someone who makes the bread, someone who milks the cows and then gives the milk, someone who feeds chicken and producing eggs or the chicken as such etc. (Something like that, but a bit more complicated :-P ). Some (only a few) subgroups are producing everything by themselves and don't really care about the rest of the village. Anyway, there are times, when the subgroups meet just for fun or to celebrate important events.
What is pretty much admirable, is that even though the subgroups of this village are naturally different (in many many different perspectives), they somehow work perfectly together most of the times. Other times better or worse, but in most of the cases the match perfectly, despite all the differences.

Some of the villagers are more important than others. They are the leading villagers, who actually coordinate pretty much everything that happens in this big virtual village to make it function properly and be better than other villages that exist in this world (Yes in our world villages tend to be a bit competitive to each other...). All the other villagers admire them and respect them, and most of them wish to be in their position some day, something possible, as the leading villagers change once per year. History has shown that some of the leading villagers screw up sometimes (or at least the receive the blame), while others make huge turn-arounds and become role-model villagers.

Apart from that, many villagers move from subgroups to subgroups to meet the differences of the other villagers, so in the end what occurs is a huge mixup of villagers representing different subgroups, but many times not the ones they originally belong to. Some of them even represent a different group every year for 2 or 3 or 4 etc. years! So as you can see, in the end the village is really diverse in its total. The purpose is to be manage to become really good and skillful leading villagers and ensure the future health, stability and growth of the village, so after that they can move to a bigger city and do it there too :-)

Anyway, this village is not all about cool things. It also has bad things. All the bad things every village - physical or virtual - has. For example, if you are good, you will be recognized by the village for it. But if you are not good, then you will be judged for it ten times more. As the leading villagers change once a year, you can become suddenly someone very important out of nothing, as well as noone out of something. Some people still believe and respect the important people that were leading villagers in the past, but it doesn't count for all.
Moreover - a completely villagish (I don't think this word exists) phenomenon - people tend to like or dislike other people. Usually people who like you will be more supportive to you than to others they dislike, but the times you are in the opposite field can be quite as many. So you can never be sure. In my opinion, there are no villages that are completely meritocratic. In villages, the relationship you have with people and the reputation that lies beyond your name counts. The same applies for the AIESEC village. I am sure there are also many more cons that I miss right now, but the point is not to judge the village, but to give a "between the lines" both-sides image of it.

I am part of this village for 3 years now, and having in mind all the above, I was wondering what keeps me in and so committed to it. What do I get out of that village? Not the "professed" benefits, but the ones "between the lines". Well if you think of it, Real life is exactly like life in the village. Or, the life in the village is like real life in a smaller scale. And this is exactly what amazes me. That once you have finished with whatever you've done to the village, you move to the city (which represents the real life for those who still haven't got it) and you are ready to face all those situations. The good side and the bad side. The achievement and recognition side, and the srewed up one. And this time, you are much more mature while dealing with them. And this is one of my major discoveries throughout my life in the specific village...

You may have heard about Activating Leadership, you may have heard about Exchange Experiences, about Global Learning Environments, about unique life changing experiences -every kind of them-, cultural ones, student ones, professional ones, business ones, leadership, etc. (it can go on forever).
I agree.
In some places of the world it's exactly like that. In some other places it is not. It may be similar to that though, or totally different. This is because some leading villagers are not so good, but as years pass by most of the sub-villages align to the overall village (I am thinking right now that maybe I chose the wrong metaphor, it's becoming confusing...).
Anyway, what I wanted to say is, regardless if the above are true or not, what happens EVERYWHERE is that AIESEC is a very very very very very big and important preparation for real life. For today's life, and the life of the future...

If you ever get into the dilemma of joining or not, don't even think of it. Join.

P.S: For those who got really confused, please read the following :-P
AIESEC Village = AIESEC Globally (in its whole)
Sub-Villages = Countries
Leading Villagers = AIESECers in Leadership Positions, different level every time, those who know probably understand
Other Villagers = the rest (hahahahha)

Things to be said!

2008-06-21T03:38:00.006+03:00

I hate it when this happens. And lately, it happens a lot. The reason that I am writing tonight, after such a long time is something that may not even be true, but even the thought that it could be true drives me crazy. Something that I cannot say, but believe me, of the things that hurt A LOT!

And all I feel right now, is rage. Anger and rage! Hate for the people that caused that feeling and for all the things that are happening in my life in those last few months. All I can feel is that I am trapped in an evil circle surrounded by evil things that have haunted every second of my life. And I am thinking what I always do in this moments.... I have two choices...Rage and revenge, or ignorance and moving on. For sure I cannot think clearly right now, and I cannot force myself to do it.

The picture I chose is exactly what I would like to do right now, but it is to late and I don't think its necessary for my family wake up in the middle of the night just because I feel like that. But for sure it would help...

And it is not only about what happened today, but also about what happens everyday. Every day that passes lately, and makes me doubt a lot of things. The people I know, the people I don't know, my values, my actions, my dreams, life and existence. I don't really know why. I know, it sounds too depressing, but you don't need to worry, I do not intend to kill myself. At least not now, I'm too young to die. If at my sixties I will still be without a family or a job I may consider it, so call me to see if I am OK in 38 years from now. Anyway, the point is that I am going after things that I cannot get, and I put myself into those situations that lead me to that mood, but WHY? One possible answer that I have in my mind is that I am trying to reach my dreams as soon as possible, but by trying the impossible. But is it impossible? Maybe I am incapable. That's what I need to figure out. And if I am incapable, have I really achieved what I am proud of, or is it an illusion of Stef*s mind?

Stef* was (and partially is) the brand that I created for myself during the last year. My full name is Stefanos, my friends used to call me like that for my whole life, the same as my family and relatives. But this last year Stef* was created. It's much more than half of my name with an asterix in the end. It was the part of ME that I was proud of. But I don't feel proud anymore. Not in the same way that I used to. I don't feel that Stef* can do ANYTHING anymore. But I used to believe in that, and that thing was driving me to achieve more and more, things that I try to bring back to my mind but I can barely remember WHY were they so important or why was I so proud of them. In a word, I feel wrecked. After running and running after things that keep turning their back on me or look back at me with this look of ignorance, I feel totally wrecked. And all I am trying to do is to use all the power I have remaining to build my future. All my life is that right now. Even in a low power state, again, I try to go after dreams...

Because I have dreams. I have dreams that I cannot accept as foolish or impossible. I want them, I've seen people who achieved them, and I want to be one of them. That is what keeps me alive. That is the source of all the power remaining. DREAMS. Dreams that one day...possibly...ONE F*CKING DAY...I will be what I was born to be. I will be what I always wanted to be. I will be surrounded by people that I chose to surround me, loved by people that I made them love me, and appreciated by people to whom I proved I deserve this appreciation. But most importantly, I will be able to look in the mirror and be proud for what I see. To look back at what I have done or what I am and be proud of it. With no doubts. And without ANYTHING that can create doubts.

But...For how long will I believe in this? How long till I quit? Will I quit? I hope not. I still want to believe in me. As much as I can, until something good happens. Something to take me out of this evil circle...

Ζώδια, αναποδιές, ερωτική ζωή και υπαρξιακές αναζητήσεις. Οποία η σχέσις; Ουδεμία...

2008-03-12T00:41:00.007+02:00

Περιττό να σας πώ ότι ξεκινώ δεύτερη φορά να γράφω κάτω από τον ίδιο τίτλο, καθώς η πρώτη απέτυχε μετά από τυχαίο select all και delete το οποίο πραγματικά δεν ξέρω πως συνέβη.

Και πάνω που είχα γράψει μια αρθράρα για την μαύρη τη γκαντεμιά που με κυνηγάει τον τελευταίο καιρό, ήρθε η μοίρα να μου το επιβεβαιώσει. Πάω στοίχημα ότι κάπου σε αυτό τον άλλο κόσμο, υπάρχουν κάποιοι που με κοιτούν και έχουν λιώσει στα γέλια (Αν με βλέπετε αυτη τη στιγμή να ξέρετε ότι όταν έρθω εκεί θα σας το χρωστάω...).

Αυτό που έλεγα κατα βάση είναι ότι η ζωή μου αυτό τον καιρό πάει θεόστραβα, παρόλο που όλα τα free έντυπα γράφουν στο ζώδιο μου για επιτυχίες και χαρές (δίδυμος παρακαλώ...). Τέλεια τα επαγγελματικά σας (?), υπέροχα τα οικονομικά σας (??), επιτέλους φως στη συναισθηματική σας ζωή (?????????????????). Και εκεί αρχίζω να αναρωριέμαι αν γεννήθηκα σε λάθος ημερομηνία, η αν κάποιος με περνάει από τεστ αντοχής στην πίεση και στην ειρωνία. Αν ναι, πείτε του ότι έχασα. Είπαμε challenge ναι, θαρραλέος ναι, επιμονή ναι, αλλα αυτό παραπάει!

Ώρες ώρες νοιώθω σαν να παίζω σε video clip emo μπάντας τον τύπο που αράζει ξυπόλυτος στο πάτωμα και κλαίει τη μοίρα του. Κοιτάω γύρω μου και βλέπω ένα σωρό γνώριμα πράγματα που μου θυμίζουν ότι όμορφο έχω ζήσει μέχρι τώρα, και προσπαθώ να πείσω τον εαυτό μου ότι όλα ήταν ένα όνειρο και πως ποτέ δεν υπήρξαν αληθινά... Γιατί άραγε; Μήπως φοβάμαι να καταλάβω τι είχα και πως τα έχασα; Μήπως φοβάμαι πως δεν θα τα ξαναζήσω ποτέ; Μήπως και που τα ζούσα δεν ήταν τόσο αληθινά εν τέλει;

Και για να προλάβω το κακό πριν αρχίζουν να περνάνε από το μυαλό μου περίεργες σκέψεις (τύπου να περάσω μια πέτρα στο λαιμό μου και να βουτήξω στη θάλασσα, να ανέβω στο empire state building και να βουτήξω στο κενό κλπ κλπ), λέω να πώ ένα μεγάλο "Βρε άντε γα******ε" και να γυρίσω θρασύτατα την πλάτη μου στη μιζέρια, μιας και δεν μου πολυαρέσει να κλαίγομαι ούτε στον ίδιο μου τον εαυτό.

Adios λοιπόν, ηλίθια πράγματα που βασανίζετε τον εγκέφαλο μου και καταλαμβάνετε ένα κομμάτι του. Το θέλω πίσω γιατί έχω μεγάλα πράγματα να κάνω μπροστά μου. Και αν ποτέ σας ξαναπετύχω θα είμαι έτοιμος να σας μοστράρω το μεσαίο μου δάχτυλο :-)

Αυτά για σήμερα, την επόμενη φορά θα πούμε κάτι ευχάριστο...

Questions in Life (from an old post)

2008-03-10T02:11:00.004+02:00

This is one of my oldest posts in my old blog. It's the only one I would like to transfer to the new one, as it says a few things that I really believe in, and that I would like you to know. It is written in engish, cause sometimes my "whatever" thoughts run in english while other times in greek. It's something that I cannot really control...

Check it out, and let me know :-)

The title is... "Questions is Life"

"They exist. They are there, and they keep bothering us almost every day. Why? How? When? Who? All of these words. But especially "WHY". Have you ever wondered why you keep staying with someone even if you don't feel happy? I'm sure you did. And i'm not talking about you "i-fuck-a-different-person-every-night" people. Have you ever wondered why do you feel stressed about something that isn't going to make things worse for you in any way? Sometimes maybe. But still, i'm sure "why" is a big part of your everyday thoughts.

This is what's happening with me lately. On the one hand, is something that makes me think a lot and keep my mind on "working" status. On the other hand, it makes me feel anxious or depressed or sad sometimes. And i'm talking about those times that i realise that most of the things happening to me should be different. And i keep asking myself, "why am id oing this, or that, or being with that person, or worrying about that thing" and stuff like that, and i keep answering to me "I don't have any f****** idea". But what if life is supposed to be like that?

Well, let's talk a little bit more about the last question. Imagine your life being PERFECT. You live with your extremely happy family, you have extremely good friends, you have an extremely suitable and beautiful/handsome girlfriend/boyfriend, or lots of them if you prefer it, and your extremely good career or studies or whatever. Does it sounds perfect in your ears? I suppose it does. But let's take a deeper look.

Imagine your life as a line. This line is the picture of your emotion. Now, think how would this line look like if you were living that perfect life. Would it go straight up all the time? I don't think so. I think it would be straight all the time. It would be a flatline. Because, living this happiness thing all the time would end up to be BORING. For how long can you be happy all the time? For days, sure, for weeks, still sure, for months, maybe, but for years? And if yes, for how many? Two, five, ten, twenty? Too much. I believe people need to laugh as much as they need to cry. They need to believe, as much as they need to doubt. And the need to love, as much as they need to hate. I believe that we feel happy, cause we've felt sad once in the past. And it makes sense. How could you tell the difference if you hadn't? And all these things are those that make your line go up and down. And "ups and downs" mean EMOTIONS. That's why we live. For having those EMOTIONS. And, think of it. Maybe those ups and downs -those EMOTIONS- are the memories we carry on when we grow old and tell stories to our grandchildren. IT IS ment to be like that after all.

So maybe the perfect life we were talking about doesn't not sound so perfect anymore to you. If it still is, i didn't manage to convince you, but it doesn't matter. Sooner or later, i think you'll be convinced by yourselves. And if not, then write an article about it and convince me about the opposite.

From me, i wish you the best ups and the smoothest (or not) downs ever! Kisses!"

That was it. I don't know I feel exactly the same way now, maybe a few things have changed. But I still believe that in life both sides are needed, in order to appreciate some things.
It is good to read the old stuff though :-)

Whatever!

2008-03-09T02:04:00.006+02:00

Ξέρω ξέρω...

Πόσο στάνταρ είναι πλέον να είσαι blogger ε; Και πόσο στανταρ μάλιστα, να είσαι από τους τύπους που γράφουν άκυρα σοφιστικέ πράγματα και νομίζουν πως κάτι ξέρουν. Αυτούς τους τύπους που δέχονται ερεθίσματα από ότι να ναι, και νομίζοντας πως κατάλαβαν τι παίζει, διαμορφώνουν και μια άποψη και την συντάσουν σε ένα πολύ καλοφτιαγμένο αρθράκι με λέξεις που δεν πολυβγάζουν νόημα και μετά το έχουν και καμάρι.

Αποφάσισα να γίνω και εγώ ένας από αυτούς τελικά. Και γιατί όχι; Άμα το κάνουν τόσοι πολλοί κάτι θα ξέρουν. Και ποιός είμαι εγώ δηλαδή, που θα το παίξω έξυπνος και εναλλακτικός; Όχι κυρίες και κύριοι! Λυπάμαι που θα σας απογοητεύσω, αλλά θα πάω και εγώ με τη μάζα. Ούτως η άλλως όλοι μάζες ακολουθούμε, άλλοι μεγαλύτερες, άλλοι μικρότερες. Θα ακολουθήσω και εγώ τη μάζα των άκυρων bloggers.

Και για να σας αποδείξω πως έχω όχι μόνο τη διάθεση αλλά και το ταλέντο να το κάνω, ιδού και η δική μου ακυροσύνη:

"Τσίκα τσίκα μπούμ ολέ ολέ μου φαίνονται όλα τις τελευταίες ημέρες. Δεν ξέρω γιατί, ίσως είναι τα φρεσκοπλυμένα ρούχα που κρέμονται στο μπαλκόνι μου κάτω από τον γκρίζο ουρανό υπομένοντας τις κουτσουλιές των αδικοχαμένων στην Αθήνα περιστεριών, ίσως είναι ο κόρεσμός από το αποκριάτικο overdose που μου έχουν προκαλέσει τα 21 χρόνια που ντύνομαι "ότι βρω στην ντουλάπα μου", ίσως είναι και η εξάντληση από λουκάνικα που αναγκάστηκα να αντιμετωπίσω την τελευταία εβδομάδα στο καλύτερο hot dog του Ψυρρή.

Και μέσα σε αυτό το χάος της αναζήτησης για το βαθύτερο αίτιο των ανώμαλων σκέψεων μου, εντοπίζω και ζητήματα συναισθηματικής φύσεως, τα οποία συνδέονται και με την εξάντληση των λουκάνικων φυσικά, αλλά κατα βάση με τις εξελίξεις στην ερωτική μου ζωή τον τελευταίο καιρό. Ποιά ερωτική ζωή δηλαδή, που πλέον τη ζώ στο www.vrite-mia-agapi-sta-metra-sas.com. Αλλά ψάχνω ψάχνω και όλο μου βγάζει error. Δεν υπάρχουν καταχωρημένα ψυχανώμαλα προφίλ μου λέει. Έτσι επιστρέφω και εγώ στην physical αναζήτηση. Και εκεί όμως αντιμετωπίζω dead end. Κάτι χαμογελάει, αλλά μάλλον όπως το κόβω είναι ο Joker. Και αν είμαι ερωτευμένος δηλαδή με ταξιδιάρικο πουλί που να το βρώ και που να του το πώ; Ποτέ δεν θα το βρω όπως βλέπω τα πράγματα...

Όπως και να έχει, επειδή το παραλήρημα τελικά τραβάει λέω να επιστρέψω στη σκοτεινή ζωή μου, σε αυτό το απόμερο σοκάκι της μοναξιάς, και ελπίζω κάποτε να μπορέσω να αγγίξω το φεγγάρι που κάθε βράδυ χαζεύω ανάμεσα από τα σχοινιά της παλιάς σκουριασμένης απλώστρας. Της απλώστρας που στέκεται εμπόδιο, ανάμεσα σε μένα και στα όνειρα μου. Ακυροσύνη σ'αγαπώ, με έκανες αυτό που είμαι σήμερα..."

Είδατε; Για πρώτη φορά, πιστεύω πως είναι καλή προσπάθεια :-)