http://whatever.stef*

Is something that we probably don't do anymore. We grow up with it, we learn it, we become part of it, we like it, we love it, we feel ease and comfort in it. I don't know how to call it. I'm too young to know names. I just have pieces of the puzzle in my mind. The whole picture is still vague, but it becomes clearer and clearer every day. We become stupid. Passive. And happy.

I observe the world evolving around me. It is full of contrast. The beauty and the beast. I cannot distinguish yet who is the real beauty and who is the real beast. One thing comes and another goes, and I am there in the middle watching it happen. I want to reach my arms, grab them and spin them around. Reverse the whole process. Go backwards. Slow down the world and move faster myself.

I can feel people trying to get into the box of maturity. What is maturity? Does it mean to wear a suit, a white shirt and a tie? Does it mean handshake and smile? Does it mean family, big house, garden, a dog and loads of money? Does it mean to make choice based on what the world wants? Call me immature then. It's not that I will never do any of them. I already do. I can wear that suit with the white shirt and the tie, but I will never let it wear me.

In the end of the day I look back and I see that nobody really cares. We all live in the bubble of happiness, trying to avoid everything that irritates us for the 70 or 80 years of our lives. We never think about our children though. Do we want them to suffer from what we ignored? Do we want them to do the same? Are we moving forward like this?

The professor is right. It is always about the next quarter. We're too blind too see what is after that. Apart from a few of us. Those who thrive. Those who write history. What if they had compromised? What if they went with the masses? What if they considered themselves crazy and stopped "daydreaming" about something that years later has changed world? What about the people that considered them to be crazy back then? Are they still alive to feel ashamed? Are they still alive to see that people like them hold humanity back?

The world map is full of crazy heartbeats. The next crazy ones. The people that are around us. Sometimes I wonder who they might be. I don't know. Who knows? Maybe a good start to identify some of them is to start looking for those who seem crazy enough. Insane. Unconventional. Those who we don't like, because they don't play the game with our standards. I dedicate this note to them. Good luck in making life a better place.

Introduction
It has been quite a while since the last time I wrote. I don't know why. I cannot say I didn't have strong emotions, but I was afraid to express myself. I am afraid that if I see my thought written down, I will realize even more what is happening. I want to write something. I don't know what. I don't know how. I will just follow the order of the words coming to my mind, hoping it will end up somewhere.

Chapter 1: Isolation
I thought I had seen enough. Now I cannot define "enough". I thought I had felt enough, but still this seems pointless. No matter what happens around me, I feel nothing. Depression, loneliness and isolation. From the world. From life. I feel powerless. I feel shy. I feel afraid. I can barely feel. My eyes see, my ears hear, my body feels, my mouth speaks but my heart doesn't respond. Today I thought I had a panic attack. Maybe I had. I started doing random things that I wouldn't do otherwise. I felt bad, sad, ashamed. I felt something for a while. Now this is gone again. I don't know what to do. I feel powerless, and I am afraid that I might actually be.

Chapter 2: Me against it
I am trying hard to fool myself. I am trying to create a fake picture of happiness and put myself in it. That's depressing. Some people probably never had the need to do something like that. That's depressing too. I accept the reality, but I don't like it. And I try to fool it. To screw it over. I don't think I can though. It's now because I feel powerless. It's because reality is powerful. I might be able to fool it just for a while, but then it comes back. Even more powerful than before. Reality can feel much more than I do. Reality can be evil. Or it can be so damn nice, that I still think it's one of it's jokes. After so many years I keep wondering about it.

Chapter 3: Hidden faces
I remember, and that is the only truth. I remember myself crying, laughing, being happy as hell or sad as heaven. I am sure that one day I will look back and remember the words that I am typing right now. But what of all these is reality and what is not? How can I learn? Do I have to wait until my very last breath? These thoughts. The panic they cause. The panic they cause today. I hate it. Or love it. I wish I could see the truth. I wish I could hear a bell of truth notifying me about every lie. I wish I could see through the eyes of others and discover their deepest thoughts. If I could do that I wouldn't be me though. And this is even more terrifying. The truth could be terrifying. Do I really have the strength to discover all the lies of a lifetime? And what if truth hurts even more?

Chapter 4: The way to the bottom
I am alone. I can scream with all my strength, and I will still be unheard. I haven't felt like that for a very long time. I can't understand if I'm getting stronger or if I'm just falling apart. I am afraid to understand. What if the truth lies in the second one.?What if this is what I have to face? I want to believe. I am trying to believe. I can't though. I don't know what to believe in anymore. Words seem pointless. And actions seem discouraging. Once again, I am trying to fool myself. This is the deepest cause of writing this. To take my mind of something, and put it in this screen. In letters, words, sentences and paragraphs. In random chapters of disappointment. Of pain. Of sorrow. I thought I was doing something good.

Chapter 5: The beginning
Once upon a time, there was a boy with dreams about his life. He had those shiny eyes that promise a shiny future. The biggest smile of the world, the body of a giant and the heart of a prince. Even though he could, he wouldn't harm anyone or anything. Deep inside this boy is always there. And will always be, for those who are afraid it might not.

Ήταν αυτό που με έκανε να σκεφτώ τα όσα μου συμβαίνουν τον τελευταίο καιρό. Και τα κατάφερε πολύ καλά.

Showing care, loving and being loved with no limits, no suspicious thoughts and no selfishness at all.