http://whatever.stef*

I found out that memories have made me what I am. Without them I am just blank. Some people advised to forget and put bad memories aside. If I keep only good memories, then I'll be half of me. Whatever bad can happens, will just be another bad memory, and another piece of myself. Memories are welcome.

I hate it when this happens. And lately, it happens a lot. The reason that I am writing tonight, after such a long time is something that may not even be true, but even the thought that it could be true drives me crazy. Something that I cannot say, but believe me, of the things that hurt A LOT!

And all I feel right now, is rage. Anger and rage! Hate for the people that caused that feeling and for all the things that are happening in my life in those last few months. All I can feel is that I am trapped in an evil circle surrounded by evil things that have haunted every second of my life. And I am thinking what I always do in this moments.... I have two choices...Rage and revenge, or ignorance and moving on. For sure I cannot think clearly right now, and I cannot force myself to do it.

The picture I chose is exactly what I would like to do right now, but it is to late and I don't think its necessary for my family wake up in the middle of the night just because I feel like that. But for sure it would help...

And it is not only about what happened today, but also about what happens everyday. Every day that passes lately, and makes me doubt a lot of things. The people I know, the people I don't know, my values, my actions, my dreams, life and existence. I don't really know why. I know, it sounds too depressing, but you don't need to worry, I do not intend to kill myself. At least not now, I'm too young to die. If at my sixties I will still be without a family or a job I may consider it, so call me to see if I am OK in 38 years from now. Anyway, the point is that I am going after things that I cannot get, and I put myself into those situations that lead me to that mood, but WHY? One possible answer that I have in my mind is that I am trying to reach my dreams as soon as possible, but by trying the impossible. But is it impossible? Maybe I am incapable. That's what I need to figure out. And if I am incapable, have I really achieved what I am proud of, or is it an illusion of Stef*s mind?

Stef* was (and partially is) the brand that I created for myself during the last year. My full name is Stefanos, my friends used to call me like that for my whole life, the same as my family and relatives. But this last year Stef* was created. It's much more than half of my name with an asterix in the end. It was the part of ME that I was proud of. But I don't feel proud anymore. Not in the same way that I used to. I don't feel that Stef* can do ANYTHING anymore. But I used to believe in that, and that thing was driving me to achieve more and more, things that I try to bring back to my mind but I can barely remember WHY were they so important or why was I so proud of them. In a word, I feel wrecked. After running and running after things that keep turning their back on me or look back at me with this look of ignorance, I feel totally wrecked. And all I am trying to do is to use all the power I have remaining to build my future. All my life is that right now. Even in a low power state, again, I try to go after dreams...

Because I have dreams. I have dreams that I cannot accept as foolish or impossible. I want them, I've seen people who achieved them, and I want to be one of them. That is what keeps me alive. That is the source of all the power remaining. DREAMS. Dreams that one day...possibly...ONE F*CKING DAY...I will be what I was born to be. I will be what I always wanted to be. I will be surrounded by people that I chose to surround me, loved by people that I made them love me, and appreciated by people to whom I proved I deserve this appreciation. But most importantly, I will be able to look in the mirror and be proud for what I see. To look back at what I have done or what I am and be proud of it. With no doubts. And without ANYTHING that can create doubts.

But...For how long will I believe in this? How long till I quit? Will I quit? I hope not. I still want to believe in me. As much as I can, until something good happens. Something to take me out of this evil circle...

This is one of my oldest posts in my old blog. It's the only one I would like to transfer to the new one, as it says a few things that I really believe in, and that I would like you to know. It is written in engish, cause sometimes my "whatever" thoughts run in english while other times in greek. It's something that I cannot really control...

Check it out, and let me know :-)

The title is... "Questions is Life"

"They exist. They are there, and they keep bothering us almost every day. Why? How? When? Who? All of these words. But especially "WHY". Have you ever wondered why you keep staying with someone even if you don't feel happy? I'm sure you did. And i'm not talking about you "i-fuck-a-different-person-every-night" people. Have you ever wondered why do you feel stressed about something that isn't going to make things worse for you in any way? Sometimes maybe. But still, i'm sure "why" is a big part of your everyday thoughts.

This is what's happening with me lately. On the one hand, is something that makes me think a lot and keep my mind on "working" status. On the other hand, it makes me feel anxious or depressed or sad sometimes. And i'm talking about those times that i realise that most of the things happening to me should be different. And i keep asking myself, "why am id oing this, or that, or being with that person, or worrying about that thing" and stuff like that, and i keep answering to me "I don't have any f****** idea". But what if life is supposed to be like that?

Well, let's talk a little bit more about the last question. Imagine your life being PERFECT. You live with your extremely happy family, you have extremely good friends, you have an extremely suitable and beautiful/handsome girlfriend/boyfriend, or lots of them if you prefer it, and your extremely good career or studies or whatever. Does it sounds perfect in your ears? I suppose it does. But let's take a deeper look.

Imagine your life as a line. This line is the picture of your emotion. Now, think how would this line look like if you were living that perfect life. Would it go straight up all the time? I don't think so. I think it would be straight all the time. It would be a flatline. Because, living this happiness thing all the time would end up to be BORING. For how long can you be happy all the time? For days, sure, for weeks, still sure, for months, maybe, but for years? And if yes, for how many? Two, five, ten, twenty? Too much. I believe people need to laugh as much as they need to cry. They need to believe, as much as they need to doubt. And the need to love, as much as they need to hate. I believe that we feel happy, cause we've felt sad once in the past. And it makes sense. How could you tell the difference if you hadn't? And all these things are those that make your line go up and down. And "ups and downs" mean EMOTIONS. That's why we live. For having those EMOTIONS. And, think of it. Maybe those ups and downs -those EMOTIONS- are the memories we carry on when we grow old and tell stories to our grandchildren. IT IS ment to be like that after all.

So maybe the perfect life we were talking about doesn't not sound so perfect anymore to you. If it still is, i didn't manage to convince you, but it doesn't matter. Sooner or later, i think you'll be convinced by yourselves. And if not, then write an article about it and convince me about the opposite.

From me, i wish you the best ups and the smoothest (or not) downs ever! Kisses!"

That was it. I don't know I feel exactly the same way now, maybe a few things have changed. But I still believe that in life both sides are needed, in order to appreciate some things.
It is good to read the old stuff though :-)