Saturday, June 21, 2008

Things to be said!

I hate it when this happens. And lately, it happens a lot. The reason that I am writing tonight, after such a long time is something that may not even be true, but even the thought that it could be true drives me crazy. Something that I cannot say, but believe me, of the things that hurt A LOT!

And all I feel right now, is rage. Anger and rage! Hate for the people that caused that feeling and for all the things that are happening in my life in those last few months. All I can feel is that I am trapped in an evil circle surrounded by evil things that have haunted every second of my life. And I am thinking what I always do in this moments.... I have two choices...Rage and revenge, or ignorance and moving on. For sure I cannot think clearly right now, and I cannot force myself to do it.

The picture I chose is exactly what I would like to do right now, but it is to late and I don't think its necessary for my family wake up in the middle of the night just because I feel like that. But for sure it would help...

And it is not only about what happened today, but also about what happens everyday. Every day that passes lately, and makes me doubt a lot of things. The people I know, the people I don't know, my values, my actions, my dreams, life and existence. I don't really know why. I know, it sounds too depressing, but you don't need to worry, I do not intend to kill myself. At least not now, I'm too young to die. If at my sixties I will still be without a family or a job I may consider it, so call me to see if I am OK in 38 years from now. Anyway, the point is that I am going after things that I cannot get, and I put myself into those situations that lead me to that mood, but WHY? One possible answer that I have in my mind is that I am trying to reach my dreams as soon as possible, but by trying the impossible. But is it impossible? Maybe I am incapable. That's what I need to figure out. And if I am incapable, have I really achieved what I am proud of, or is it an illusion of Stef*s mind?

Stef* was (and partially is) the brand that I created for myself during the last year. My full name is Stefanos, my friends used to call me like that for my whole life, the same as my family and relatives. But this last year Stef* was created. It's much more than half of my name with an asterix in the end. It was the part of ME that I was proud of. But I don't feel proud anymore. Not in the same way that I used to. I don't feel that Stef* can do ANYTHING anymore. But I used to believe in that, and that thing was driving me to achieve more and more, things that I try to bring back to my mind but I can barely remember WHY were they so important or why was I so proud of them. In a word, I feel wrecked. After running and running after things that keep turning their back on me or look back at me with this look of ignorance, I feel totally wrecked. And all I am trying to do is to use all the power I have remaining to build my future. All my life is that right now. Even in a low power state, again, I try to go after dreams...

Because I have dreams. I have dreams that I cannot accept as foolish or impossible. I want them, I've seen people who achieved them, and I want to be one of them. That is what keeps me alive. That is the source of all the power remaining. DREAMS. Dreams that one day...possibly...ONE F*CKING DAY...I will be what I was born to be. I will be what I always wanted to be. I will be surrounded by people that I chose to surround me, loved by people that I made them love me, and appreciated by people to whom I proved I deserve this appreciation. But most importantly, I will be able to look in the mirror and be proud for what I see. To look back at what I have done or what I am and be proud of it. With no doubts. And without ANYTHING that can create doubts.

But...For how long will I believe in this? How long till I quit? Will I quit? I hope not. I still want to believe in me. As much as I can, until something good happens. Something to take me out of this evil circle...


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