Sunday, August 30, 2009

Chapters of loneliness and depression

It has been quite a while since the last time I wrote. I don't know why. I cannot say I didn't have strong emotions, but I was afraid to express myself. I am afraid that if I see my thought written down, I will realize even more what is happening. I want to write something. I don't know what. I don't know how. I will just follow the order of the words coming to my mind, hoping it will end up somewhere.

Chapter 1: Isolation
I thought I had seen enough. Now I cannot define "enough". I thought I had felt enough, but still this seems pointless. No matter what happens around me, I feel nothing. Depression, loneliness and isolation. From the world. From life. I feel powerless. I feel shy. I feel afraid. I can barely feel. My eyes see, my ears hear, my body feels, my mouth speaks but my heart doesn't respond. Today I thought I had a panic attack. Maybe I had. I started doing random things that I wouldn't do otherwise. I felt bad, sad, ashamed. I felt something for a while. Now this is gone again. I don't know what to do. I feel powerless, and I am afraid that I might actually be.

Chapter 2: Me against it
I am trying hard to fool myself. I am trying to create a fake picture of happiness and put myself in it. That's depressing. Some people probably never had the need to do something like that. That's depressing too. I accept the reality, but I don't like it. And I try to fool it. To screw it over. I don't think I can though. It's now because I feel powerless. It's because reality is powerful. I might be able to fool it just for a while, but then it comes back. Even more powerful than before. Reality can feel much more than I do. Reality can be evil. Or it can be so damn nice, that I still think it's one of it's jokes. After so many years I keep wondering about it.

Chapter 3: Hidden faces
I remember, and that is the only truth. I remember myself crying, laughing, being happy as hell or sad as heaven. I am sure that one day I will look back and remember the words that I am typing right now. But what of all these is reality and what is not? How can I learn? Do I have to wait until my very last breath? These thoughts. The panic they cause. The panic they cause today. I hate it. Or love it. I wish I could see the truth. I wish I could hear a bell of truth notifying me about every lie. I wish I could see through the eyes of others and discover their deepest thoughts. If I could do that I wouldn't be me though. And this is even more terrifying. The truth could be terrifying. Do I really have the strength to discover all the lies of a lifetime? And what if truth hurts even more?

Chapter 4: The way to the bottom
I am alone. I can scream with all my strength, and I will still be unheard. I haven't felt like that for a very long time. I can't understand if I'm getting stronger or if I'm just falling apart. I am afraid to understand. What if the truth lies in the second one.?What if this is what I have to face? I want to believe. I am trying to believe. I can't though. I don't know what to believe in anymore. Words seem pointless. And actions seem discouraging. Once again, I am trying to fool myself. This is the deepest cause of writing this. To take my mind of something, and put it in this screen. In letters, words, sentences and paragraphs. In random chapters of disappointment. Of pain. Of sorrow. I thought I was doing something good.

Chapter 5: The beginning
Once upon a time, there was a boy with dreams about his life. He had those shiny eyes that promise a shiny future. The biggest smile of the world, the body of a giant and the heart of a prince. Even though he could, he wouldn't harm anyone or anything. Deep inside this boy is always there. And will always be, for those who are afraid it might not.


  1. Anonymous said...
    I cannot pretend that I understand you, maybe I really don't, but what you wrote reminds me of how I used to feel, not a very long time ago. I felt like my soul was dieing and I could do nothing. But, you know,sometimes this is necessary for us to realize who we really are. You only need patience and you'll see. Everything will be alright.
    Vio said...
    i admire you because you're writing this in public. i have a blog... where i wrote your same words... but i kept it private for no one to see.
    Know, that you are not alone, because even though we are miles apart, i have shared the same depressing moments as you have, and it is amazing to know that we are not alone.

    filakia stef :)


Post a Comment